Woke up this first day of the year to spotting. We took a test anyway which was negative. Took the long cold trip to the hospital anyway just for some final closure to get the blood test. They took my blood but of course 'it is a holiday' or 'it is the weekend' (depending on who you ask) so we don't get results until Monday at 5pm. It doesn't matter though we know we are not pregnant and this IVF cycle did not work.
We are heartbroken, hurting, our eyes are filled with tears (well mine are), we don't understand...I don't even know what to say. I am going to pretend that we are in the states and all this news happened on Dec 31st. Then that way we can just leave all this 2010 hurt and pain behind and move on to 2011 - which will hopefully be a better year for us.
So what will we do? Grieve, hold on to each other and our beautiful son. Cry out to God. Relish encouragement from friends and family. And move forward. That's all we can do right? Do we feel done having kids - no. Will we try this again - we don't know. But that would take another miraculous $3,500. Do we feel strong/brave/optimistic? NO ----- I know I feel completely broken.
Thank you for sharing this journey with us.
Just a side note - I know lots of you are also trying to get pregnant or may be trying in this new year. We ask and pray that other friends won't have the same issues we have. But saying that it is just really hard for us to take calls right now of people telling us they are pregnant. So if you could for our sake just write us an email we would appreciate that a lot. Not that we are not so happy for you, I just don't think I could hear it in this fragile state...
Caed has been amazing. Lots of hugs and kisses being given. He tells us, "Don't cry, it will be okay" and "I love you" all the time. He is such a sweet boy. One thing that hurts the most is the idea of thinking that such an extroverted kid, who loves being with other kids so much has to grow up in a place with no brothers or sisters. No other kids who speak his language (well until Grady gets back to HX). No people in his day to day life that he can have that special relationship with. He wanted a baby brother or sister so bad. Breaks my heart all over again.
One thing that is better this time than our last loss this summer is that we know there is nothing that we did to cause this. I struggled for a long time after that June loss thinking that I must not be a good mom/wife/Christina/M- that's why God didn't let us have another baby. I know this is wrong. We live in a fallen world. Bad things happen to both 'good' and 'bad' people. Pain is a part of life. God is not punishing us. I don't believe that he is trying to tell us that he doesn't want us to have kids or that we ought to stop trying. I don't believe that we can 'do anything better' to gain favor or blessing from him. This is our lot in life right now, and we have to be okay with it. Like Job - "The Lord gives and takes away, but in all things his name be blessed."
I read this verse yesterday, it is our prayer for ourselves right now;
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
And lastly - so that this letter is not all bad news - we had a great Christmas party for 6 college students last night. It was a hit. They loved it. Lot's of work, glad it's over. But also thankful for the time we had with them.
Thanks again for all the love and support.
Sean and Nicole
I tried to send this out as an email to those on the 'list' but psmail is having issues the last two days, so I apologize if you read this here and then get the same email in a few hours.
