Physics for Toddlers?

If you know us well you know my husband is a Linux user. He recently downloaded this childrens version of Linux operating system called "Sugar". It's super cute stuff, all games and painting and photo things but for kids.

Anyway there is this program on there that lets the kids make shapes of different colors and sizes then topple them over using 'physics'. 

Sean and Caed played it the other day and of course C loved it. Sean told him he was learning physics. 

So flash forward three days to today. I was coming home from a friends house with C. Telling him it would be nap time when we got home, he said, 

"But I just want to do some physics Mommy!"

I said after nap. He said, "I can do those physics all by myself!"

Just made me laugh :)

Also Sean taught Caed to answer the question, "What are the forms of water?"

If you skype us make sure to ask Caed :)

Comfort in Pain

There have been so many differences in my own reaction between our failed FET in June and this failed IVF in December. So I wanted to share some of the things that have been a great encouragement to me this time. 

Now don't get me wrong I still feel anger, confusion, loss, sadness etc. (though on a less intense level). What I don't feel (that I struggled a lot with last time) is guilt, despair, pitiful, and depression. So I give thanks to God. I know that he is doing a good work in me. I know that all the things listed below are things that have come out of his good grace to me (and us). 

Some practical things I think that have helped (in no real order):

1. Being covered in prayer by many!

2. Finally coming 'out' of the infertility closet on our blog :) 

Seriously I feel like writing about it and not hiding it has been great for me. For a long time I felt like we would be judged for the decisions we had made, decisions we feel like the Lord had led us to. So I didn't share openly with everyone. 

3. Reading other blogs of people going through similar struggles and not feeling guilty about it!

Last time I would spend time looking at blogs and Sean would say I was just wasting time (I am sure we got in a few fights over it). I saw a counsellor in December and she helped me (and Sean) understand that the reason I spent so much time reading other people's stories is because infertility can be such a lonely place. The majority of my real life friends have not struggled through it. And being able to know that we are not the only ones going through it helps!

4. That same counsellor recommend a book called, "The Pressures Off - A New Way to Live" by Larry Crabb. The book talks about how many of us Christians still live according to the old Law, thinking that we do A and we receive B from God. Example - I try and be the best mom, wife, Christian I can be and read my Bible x amount of times a week, and love the poor x amount of ours a week and of course God will bless me with another child! So wrong - so off. I won't keep going on about the book but seriously it was a great read. It is not about infertility at all, but the things it talked about were the exact things I needed to hear for where I was with the Lord. 

5. I am re-reading "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis

6. A few months ago I listened to the sermon series (8 sermons) by Jerry Bridges called, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts. The words he spoke in that series have impacted me greatly. 

Umm I feel like I could go on and on. I'll spare you all though. Thank you for reading along and for supporting us this way. 

Pressing on. Being loved. Praising God.

Nicole

The Cow Lick

A cute Caed story.

I was talking with Caed the other day about how our friends just left to go to Chiang Mai to have their baby. I told him, "That baby will be born in Chiang Mai just like you were - remember?"

To which he replied, 

"Yeah and then that cow licked me."

So over 3 months ago we were playing together and I had pointed to his cowlick and told him the 'story' of how he got it. You know the cow came and licked his head after he was born and pushed his hair that way. That was it.

One story.

One time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

I love the privilege it is to raise this funny little boy!

Sausage Making = Gross!!!

As Chinese New Year quickly approaches you can start to see sausages hanging all over the markets. You can also see people stuffing them. I have been making my own sausage meat for a while now, but just leaving it in patties. Another person here had the idea to take the homemade sausage meat into the market and ask them to stuff it into those casing thingys. So I gave it a shot and seriously it was so gross looking. Seeing the meat push through that machine into those intestines...

Anyway it smells great, and I am thinking that it will taste that way too :)

See the sausage hanging from my 'laundry shelf' on the left?

Closer view

Even closer... the less fatty looking sausage is the stuff I made. The stuff on the left (with all the fat) is what was in the machine and got pushed in in front of mine. 

Wow miss the days that I could run to Safeway and get a pack of Italian Sausage or Brawt (sp?) and be back home in 10 minutes. 

Good Bye Baby

The last few days I went through all of Caedmon's toys and clothes. they were things I had been holding onto in hopes of being able to use them later this year or early next. A big step for me. But we were just storing so much stuff in 'hope'. 

So I packed it all up, gave it all away. All the baby toys, all the 12-24 month clothes. I only kept a few sentimental things. I figured that IF we ever do have another child it wont be for a while yet. Plus most of the stuff I got rid of is 8-24 month stuff. So that means it is stuff I would be storing for the next 2-3 years at the least. So goodbye to it all. It felt kinda good (I do like de-cluttering), but also really sad. If our FET last June had worked we would be headed to Thailand next week to wait for the birth. I need to move on. I am trying to move on. One day at a time. One task at a time. Today (getting rid of all the clothes) was a big one. I am proud of myself. 

two bags of clothes - bye bye

And my baby is a BIG boy now. He has been doing great with potty training. Though he did wet his pants today. Afterwards in the bathroom he said, "Mommy are you sad I peed in my pants?" I asked him why he did it and he said, "I was mad about something so I just wanted to."

I told Caed this morning that his teachers are going to speak Chinese at preschool when he is 3. He said, "No I think they will talk in Thai", I said no then he said, "They will speak in Spanish then"...I think he is in denial about what country he lives in :)

And lastly - and all around the BEST part of my day...

Sean's teacher's daughter is staying with us for a few days and at the breakfast table  Caed asked, "Does JieJie (big sister) have a vagina?" She thankfully does not speak English so didn't understand him. I replied, "yes, but let's not talk about that stuff". Then he went on about other topics (non-potty related). 

Yes our little boy is getting so BIG.

A REAL Snow Day

So the 'snow' from last week was more like ice but today....

REAL SNOW

I took Caedmon out for a short play in the snow and he loved it. 

He is eating a cold hot dog if anyone is wondering what that is in his hand...

Tongue out to catch the snow

Our snow man

Caed tried to put a hat on the snowman and he fell over - I am out of practice. 

Our apartment in on the third floor. What a fun day!

Another new hat

Just finished another hat for C. The ends still aren't woven in but he loves it :)

The 'square' in our apartment complex that all the kids hang out in. Can't wait to light off fireworks here for Chinese New Year in a few more days.

Hurting Heart

Today my heart just plain hurts. I go through days that are easy and days that are hard. I will say that I feel like I am doing a lot better than when out FET failed last June. 

Friends have all been such an encouragement. Unfortunately I still haven't had the time/motivation to sit down and write people back individually and thank them...but I will try to soon. 

One friend wrote the following words that have encouraged me so much over this last week. I tend to feel so bad for Caed not having a sibling 'close' in age to him (or maybe never having one at all). 

She said, 

"My heart broke for my son who did not have a sibling but longed for one, just as you have said about Caed. That feeling to want your child to have a playmate and sibling becomes even stronger than the desire just for a child for yourself. It hurts I know.... I remember too as I was grieving this loss for {her child} God saying "Do you trust me with him? I love him more than you do." It's hard to imagine that someone could love our child more than us but it's true."

God loves Caedmon more than I do. It is hard for me to fathom. Do I trust God with Caed's life too? I want to. I want to know that even if we never have more kids that Caed will be just fine. God has a perfect plan for him just like he does for us. 

So many other people have also written words that have been a great influence on me in this time, but I wanted to share what has been on my heart this week. 

My mind has constantly been drawn back to the prayer we asked all of you to pray for us from Ephesians 3. I do feel at times that we are getting by on the prayers of others.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I was listening to these two songs today and was lifted up by their words:

Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down 

and wiped our tears away, 

stepped in and saved the day. 

But once again, I say amen 

and it's still raining 

as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls 

I raise my hands and praise 

the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 

And I'll praise you in this storm 

and I will lift my hands 

for You are who You are 

no matter where I am 

and every tear I've cried 

You hold in your hand 

You never left my side 

and though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm 

AND

If you want me to - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken 

And The signs are unclear 

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here 

But just because You love me the way that You do 

I'm gonna walk through the valley 

If You want me to 

Chorus: 

Cause I'm not who I was 

When I took my first step 

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet 

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you 

Then I will walk through the fire 

If You want me to 

It may not be the way I would have chosen 

When you lead me through a world that's not my home 

But You never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone 

Wow super long - wordy post! If you made it to the end congratulations and thank you :)

This might be gross...

The potty training has been going well. There have been a few accidents, but we expected that. The potty wall has transformed. Not sure if it is more fun for Caed or the adults now. Good thing is that Caed isn't asking for a prize each time he goes potty now. We let him choose between a star or us drawing a picture for him. And guess what all the pictures are of??? Mostly lizards or dinosaurs using the potty. 

After watching "Kai Lan" today Caed requested a picture of Kai Lan going potty. Which I drew (see the girl on the potty). Then Caed said, "Can you draw her penis too?" I said, "No she is a girl". And he said,  "Then you better draw her a vagina."

I said NO.

Carrots in my Ears

Since Caed was very little we have been saying, "Let's get those carrots out of your ears." I think my parents used to say that to us when we were young - referring to ear wax. Never really thought twice about it. Then this morning Sean went to get Caed up and the first thing C told Daddy was,

C- "I found a yucky carrot in my ear."

Sean - "What did you do with it?"

C- "I ate it and it was yucky!"

Hilarious.

Knitting Again

This is my second post of today so make sure to scroll down!

I haven't knit since I was pregnant with Caed - 3 years ago! But it is cold here and I have yarn and needles, so I thought why not. Sean's mom brought over this cute yarn to do art projects with when we were in Thailand so I used that to make this cute hat/scarf. They came in handy today when Caed saw his first snow ever!!!

Oh and before pictures one cute Caed story:

* We had fellowship here on Sunday and the communion cups were left here. Today Caed brought us each one cup and said, "Here you go we are going to have community"

the first hat I knit - C 4 months old

hat #2 - C 2.5 years old

how we ride

Potty Time

For many month now we have been preparing Caed for potty training time. We have told him that when the Christmas tree comes down it's time to use the potty. I read this 3 day potty training thing and we decided to try that out. So on Thursday am we had Caed throw away all his diapers. We had bought a new potty and lots of juice and treats for using the potty. 

Oh and did I mention that we had no water that day? Leap of faith right! Anyway there were many accidents. Running him to the potty after he 'started'. Lots of praise, too much "remember to tell us when you need to use the potty" and lots of running down the hallway later I am happy to say that we are at 24 hours accident free. On the morning of day 4 he started to tell us before he needed to go. We even took him out to dinner and he told us he needed to go. Now the first two nights we didn;t do diapers. I slept with him in there but it was a long night. We decided that since it is so cold here (and I don't want him sleeping in wet pants) we will do the night time training later. Though he has woken up the last two mornings dry. Now I am not thinking that the accidents are done, or even that Caed is 'potty trained' yet. But we are so excited about the progress our 'little boy' is making!

Some cute Caed stories:

* Lately Caed has been in to shorting words. Our favorites is that he calls chocolate "choc" and crackers "crack"

* The other night we let him sleep with us b/c it was so cold. When I turned off the lights he yelled out, "No Mommy don't take my eyes away!"

Us on anniversary day - it was chilly!

Caed and his new potty right after we got it. It lives in the bathroom now.

Throwing away all the diapers.

First 5 stars! So proud. 

Picking out a prize.

Somehow everyone  who has come to our home since potty training has begun has also added their name to the 'potty wall'

Undies, pants, socks, and advent calendar chocolate. 

Oh we woke up to snow today!

And lots of juice and water. The coke is NOT for him. 

Nine years and "how we are doing"

First of all many thank to all of you who have written us encouraging notes. We are so appreciative of them. We (or at least I) still don't really feel like talking to anyone about it yet, but please continue to keep us in your prayers.

The last few days have gone by in a blur. I re-read that last blog post and it seems like it is from someone else not me. I feel like this has all been a bad dream and I am going to wake up and it will all be over. And then reality hits and I cry. We were lucky to be surrounded by friends all day Sunday, playing games and hanging out, it helped me not to dwell on our situation or our future. Good friends have also been such a help by making meals for us. Because honestly cooking is the LAST thing on my mind. I think Caed had oreo cookies and goldfish for breakfast yesterday morning - that shows you how 'out of it' my cooking skills are right now.

It seems un-real to me. We lost 6 'babies' this year. Six embryos all gone. My heart hurts. I wonder if we do try again will it ever work? Will we ever have more kids? For those of you who don't realize - we have no other way of getting pregnant (with biological kids) but IVF. Many people have thoughtfully written giving advice on things they did or tried to get pregnant. Without going into too many details lets just say that getting pregnant by sex is impossible for us. There is some plumbing missing.

Do we think we will try again? Probably, hopefully, but right now who knows. The earliest that we could try would be June. That is when we will be back in Thailand again (where the sperm are frozen). But money will of course be an issue. So we will wait and see.

Caed has been such a sweetie. One quick story. This morning I was crying and Caed came up to me and said, "Don't cry Mommy - pause - he is made of Christmas snow - pause - and Christmas snow is very special!" So he is quoting Santa talking to the little girl who is crying over Frosty after he melted in the movie Frosty the Snowman. It was the cutest thing I ever heard! It was like he wanted to comfort me more than just saying "It's okay Mommy, don't cry" (which is what he usually says) - and the whole Frosty scene just came back to him. Also we were playing 'rocket ship' today (where we lay under the Christmas tree and pretend we are driving a rocket to a different lands) and I picked up a toy lizard and said that he was eating the tree. And Caed said, "No don't eat that Lizzy - Jesus made that tree." So cute.

We will be okay. This is our life. We are not alone. We will trust in the Lord no matter what. And even if we never have anymore kids we will still praise him. We want to know Him more and deeper in our lives. We know he is creating something out of us and using everything that happens in our lives to mould us into that creation. So we will trust in him through the hurt and the pain and the tears.

Today (well in 6 hours) we will celebrate our 9 year anniversary. That amazes me. Granted we were itty bitty children when we got married - but still 9 years??? Time has flown by. We have lived in three countries over those years, and traveled to many more. We have spent the bulk of our marriage in China. We have been married 'so long' that we don't have digital pictures of our wedding day (or our first 3 anniversaries). And one of our wedding presents was the Lord of the Rings book on TAPE. We don't even own a tape played anymore and haven't for years. I love Sean more and more as each year passes. We have definitely had some 'for better' times and some 'for worse' times (this last week being one of those). And there is no one else I would rather be with. He is amazing. I love watching him grow as a Christian, a father, a husband, a son, a friend. If you know Sean (and chances are if you read this blog you do!) count yourself blessed. Okay just realized I am totally rambling on. You get the idea.

Here are some pictures of us in our journey :)

Not the best wedding picture but the only one I have scanned to my computer! Jan 5 2002

First anniversary in San Francisco

Fourth anniversary (first one in China)

Fifth anniversary. All the pics from this year area all weird and pixely - but wow my hair was shiny! 

(in China)

Sixth anniversary. Still in China. 14 weeks pregnant with Caeders.

Seventh anniversary (in the USA) back to SF for a night. 

Eight anniversary. Back in China. Awww I miss our little apartment in WARM Kunming

Nine Years! Here is us in Thailand last month.

You don't want to see any pics of us now. We are freezing!!!! And wearing lots of layers and blankets :) Though we will still take some pictures tomorrow anyway (though I think our electricity will be out tomorrow so it is going to be REALLY cold). This is our first winter in our new city and I am not kidding about how cold it is (and we lived in Saskatchewan for 5 years). 

A hard way to start the new year...

Well we wish this could be a happy post but it won't be. 

Woke up this first day of the year to spotting. We took a test anyway which was negative. Took the long cold trip to the hospital anyway just for some final closure to get the blood test. They took my blood but of course 'it is a holiday' or 'it is the weekend' (depending on who you ask) so we don't get results until Monday at 5pm. It doesn't matter though we know we are not pregnant and this IVF cycle did not work.

We are heartbroken, hurting, our eyes are filled with tears (well mine are), we don't understand...I don't even know what to say. I am going to pretend that we are in the states and all this news happened on Dec 31st. Then that way we can just leave all this 2010 hurt and pain behind and move on to 2011 - which will hopefully be a better year for us. 

So what will we do? Grieve, hold on to each other and our beautiful son. Cry out to God. Relish encouragement from friends and family. And move forward. That's all we can do right? Do we feel done having kids - no. Will we try this again - we don't know. But that would take another miraculous $3,500. Do we feel strong/brave/optimistic? NO ----- I know I feel completely broken. 

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. 

Just a side note - I know lots of you are also trying to get pregnant or may be trying in this new year. We ask and pray that other friends won't have the same issues we have. But saying that it is just really hard for us to take calls right now of people telling us they are pregnant. So if you could for our sake just write us an email we would appreciate that a lot. Not that we are not so happy for you, I just don't think I could hear it in this fragile state...

Caed has been amazing. Lots of hugs and kisses being given. He tells us, "Don't cry, it will be okay" and "I love you" all the time. He is such a sweet boy. One thing that hurts the most is the idea of thinking that such an extroverted kid, who loves being with other kids so much has to grow up in a place with no brothers or sisters. No other kids who speak his language (well until Grady gets back to HX). No people in his day to day life that he can have that special relationship with. He wanted a baby brother or sister so bad. Breaks my heart all over again.

One thing that is better this time than our last loss this summer is that we know there is nothing that we did to cause this. I struggled for a long time after that June loss thinking that I must not be a good mom/wife/Christina/M- that's why God didn't let us have another baby. I know this is wrong. We live in a fallen world. Bad things happen to both 'good' and 'bad' people. Pain is a part of life. God is not punishing us. I don't believe that he is trying to tell us that he doesn't want us to have kids or that we ought to stop trying. I don't believe that we can 'do anything better' to gain favor or blessing from him. This is our lot in life right now, and we have to be okay with it. Like Job - "The Lord gives and takes away, but in all things his name be blessed."

I read this verse yesterday, it is our prayer for ourselves right now;

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

And lastly - so that this letter is not all bad news - we had a great Christmas party for 6 college students last night. It was a hit. They loved it. Lot's of work, glad it's over. But also thankful for the time we had with them. 

Thanks again for all the love and support. 

Sean and Nicole

I tried to send this out as an email to those on the 'list' but psmail is having issues the last two days, so I apologize if you read this here and then get the same email in a few hours.