Comfort in Pain

There have been so many differences in my own reaction between our failed FET in June and this failed IVF in December. So I wanted to share some of the things that have been a great encouragement to me this time. 

Now don't get me wrong I still feel anger, confusion, loss, sadness etc. (though on a less intense level). What I don't feel (that I struggled a lot with last time) is guilt, despair, pitiful, and depression. So I give thanks to God. I know that he is doing a good work in me. I know that all the things listed below are things that have come out of his good grace to me (and us). 

Some practical things I think that have helped (in no real order):

1. Being covered in prayer by many!

2. Finally coming 'out' of the infertility closet on our blog :) 

Seriously I feel like writing about it and not hiding it has been great for me. For a long time I felt like we would be judged for the decisions we had made, decisions we feel like the Lord had led us to. So I didn't share openly with everyone. 

3. Reading other blogs of people going through similar struggles and not feeling guilty about it!

Last time I would spend time looking at blogs and Sean would say I was just wasting time (I am sure we got in a few fights over it). I saw a counsellor in December and she helped me (and Sean) understand that the reason I spent so much time reading other people's stories is because infertility can be such a lonely place. The majority of my real life friends have not struggled through it. And being able to know that we are not the only ones going through it helps!

4. That same counsellor recommend a book called, "The Pressures Off - A New Way to Live" by Larry Crabb. The book talks about how many of us Christians still live according to the old Law, thinking that we do A and we receive B from God. Example - I try and be the best mom, wife, Christian I can be and read my Bible x amount of times a week, and love the poor x amount of ours a week and of course God will bless me with another child! So wrong - so off. I won't keep going on about the book but seriously it was a great read. It is not about infertility at all, but the things it talked about were the exact things I needed to hear for where I was with the Lord. 

5. I am re-reading "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis

6. A few months ago I listened to the sermon series (8 sermons) by Jerry Bridges called, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts. The words he spoke in that series have impacted me greatly. 

Umm I feel like I could go on and on. I'll spare you all though. Thank you for reading along and for supporting us this way. 

Pressing on. Being loved. Praising God.

Nicole

Hurting Heart

Today my heart just plain hurts. I go through days that are easy and days that are hard. I will say that I feel like I am doing a lot better than when out FET failed last June. 

Friends have all been such an encouragement. Unfortunately I still haven't had the time/motivation to sit down and write people back individually and thank them...but I will try to soon. 

One friend wrote the following words that have encouraged me so much over this last week. I tend to feel so bad for Caed not having a sibling 'close' in age to him (or maybe never having one at all). 

She said, 

"My heart broke for my son who did not have a sibling but longed for one, just as you have said about Caed. That feeling to want your child to have a playmate and sibling becomes even stronger than the desire just for a child for yourself. It hurts I know.... I remember too as I was grieving this loss for {her child} God saying "Do you trust me with him? I love him more than you do." It's hard to imagine that someone could love our child more than us but it's true."

God loves Caedmon more than I do. It is hard for me to fathom. Do I trust God with Caed's life too? I want to. I want to know that even if we never have more kids that Caed will be just fine. God has a perfect plan for him just like he does for us. 

So many other people have also written words that have been a great influence on me in this time, but I wanted to share what has been on my heart this week. 

My mind has constantly been drawn back to the prayer we asked all of you to pray for us from Ephesians 3. I do feel at times that we are getting by on the prayers of others.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I was listening to these two songs today and was lifted up by their words:

Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down 

and wiped our tears away, 

stepped in and saved the day. 

But once again, I say amen 

and it's still raining 

as the thunder rolls 

I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls 

I raise my hands and praise 

the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 

And I'll praise you in this storm 

and I will lift my hands 

for You are who You are 

no matter where I am 

and every tear I've cried 

You hold in your hand 

You never left my side 

and though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm 

AND

If you want me to - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken 

And The signs are unclear 

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here 

But just because You love me the way that You do 

I'm gonna walk through the valley 

If You want me to 

Chorus: 

Cause I'm not who I was 

When I took my first step 

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet 

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you 

Then I will walk through the fire 

If You want me to 

It may not be the way I would have chosen 

When you lead me through a world that's not my home 

But You never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone 

Wow super long - wordy post! If you made it to the end congratulations and thank you :)