Greatest Caed Quote Yet

Last night Caed said something that has kept us laughing ever since. I went into the bathroom and saw pee all over the toilet seat (man I wish we had two bathrooms). 

So I angrily called him in there and said, 

"I am so tired of you not lifting the toilet seat up when you go pee!"

Hi immediate un-sarcastic response was, 

"If your so tired Mommy you should just go to bed."

Que Sean laughing very hard in the next room. It was so funny, because he was so serious. Though I am not looking forward to the day that a comment like that comes sarcastically out of his mouth!

This is what happens when Caed asks me to play hotwheels with him. I am pretty sure when Dad plays with him they end up racing/battling/etc. But when I play they end up in color order and in a fun shape.

Caed also invented 'Pet Land' yesterday.

A few hours ago I took Caed back to preschool for the first time since Christmas (Chinese New Year break is 2 months). He wanted to wear his new Batman costume, and since this actually made him excited to go we let him. His teachers were all so excited and called him Bian Fu Xia (Batman). I am leaving to pick him up now, I will be interested to se if he kept that mask on the whole time :)

Last Days in Thailand

We are safe at home now, yeah! We were very blessed to come home to a clean apartment and have lunch, dinner and tomorrows breakfast waiting, very thankful for friends.

Here are some pictures from our last days in Chiang Mai.

We went back to the zoo with our friends who used to live in our city with us (they were in CM to have a baby). Caed wanted to take a valentines picture with just Abby. One pic of the pink scooter bike we rented while there, it was marvelous. We were so glad to be able to meet baby Audrey the day before we left! So tiny. Caed had no interest in the baby, when we asked him to come take a picture he said, I can't right now I'm building something e-mazing! (with Legos). Hopefully he will be more excited when it's his baby he is meeting, but I'm not sure :) I also got this cute pic of caed and Toby both looking at camera and smiling! A feat, we had to pretend they were rolled up hotdogs and we were throwing mustard on them.
Fun times!

Details

Thank you all for your congrats and well wishes and prayers.

I thought I would write a few more details down so I don't forget. I had said since the beginning that I didn't have much hope this cycle. Especially when we found out we only had one last embryo to transfer. Truth is throughout the whole wait time I didn't want to hope and be heartbroken for the fourth time. I didn't feel anything that made me think maybe this worked. And even on the morning of the blood test (we ended up testing on day 11, 13 and 16) I was convinced it hadn't worked. I felt cramps just like my period was coming. I was mentally preparing for the bad news, imagining Sean coming in after he got the call and is crying together. When he came in and said it was 95 I didn't believe him. I immediately made him call the clinic back and make sure they were talking about my blood. Right after that I took a hpt and it was negative, which made me think they had made a mistake. But at the clinic later that night the nurse assured me it was my blood, she had tested it herself. The next morning I took a hpt and got to see those marvelous two lines. Fridays test showed 226 and 17 progesterone, and Monday's was 784 and progesterone 24.6. This weekend I have started to feel off and on nauseous, mostly while I am eating, and smells seem stronger, and my chest is quite sore. We head back to China on Saturday and are looking forward to being home.

I am still amazed as I write this that this has all happened. It feels like a dream. I feel beyond blessed, and overwhelmed that God has been so merciful and gracious to me who was filled with so much doubt. I am still so aware this time of how early this is and how long we have to go. When I got pregnant with Caed over four years ago we were so naive, and just assumed that once we got a positive all would be good. Now with perspective, and seeing so much loss among friends and family we know that is not true all the time. So we will continue to take it one step at a time, praying for life and health and growth. We will go in for an ultrasound to see heart beat on March 12.

People keep asking if we have told Caed and the answer is of course! He prayed every night for the embie to grow (he has in all the past procedures too). He was very aware on the day of the test that mommy was and would be sad because the embie stopped growing. His face lit up when we told him that it was growing and he said the sweetest prayer ever that went something like this,
"God thank you for letting our embie grow. You are the best most beautiful God who is super duper fast and can fly so high like a superhero." He got to tell his Nana on Skype that he was going to be a big brother, though we reversed for 30 minutes first. He has been saying that his embie is growing and that he is going to have a big brother, so he might still be a little confused :) For a few days after he kept asking me, are you going to be sad or happy today about that embie mommy?

I don't think at all there was anything that I 'did' to make this happen. I am so undeserving. We know this is all God, that even though odds and percentages were especially poor this time that he made life grow.

{so you can skip this part if you don't want to know more medical detailing stuff}

Procedure wise I just want to write how it went because I know I always like reading more details when looking at others stories. To prepare for the FET I was on 2mg estrace 3x a day after day two of my cycle. A few days before the transfer I started on duphastron 3x a day. Day of transfer I added 2 progesterone suppositories and upped other two meds to 4x a day. On day of transfer I asked doc to give me some valium to relax me, I thought it would be just a pill as I have never had it before, but they ended up giving me a shot of something in the hand, not sure what it did or was but I was relaxed and not until later that night did I realize that I didn't remember anything from the transfer at all. I didn't do any bed rest, or change things I normally do like lifting caed etc. I have read before they tell you to laugh a lot and picture the embryo implanting. I did the opposite and cried everyday (partially due to the fact we have been doing counseling this whole time and it has been deep and good). I did eat lots of pineapple though :)

Thank you again for all your comments and love!

Here is a picture of us on valentines day totally unaware that our baby was alive and growing!

Rejoicing

We are rejoicing. We are giving thanks. We are pregnant. I can't even believe that I just got to type that. After so long and so much loss it feels surreal. But it's true, we are pregnant!!!

The first hcg test was 11dp4dt and was 95 (for those of you this means something to). Today, two days later we are at 226.

I thank you all who have been lifting us up and praying and encouraging us because quite honestly I had no hope, I was so beyond sure it hadn't worked that I cried almost the whole time from when we did the blood test until we got the results (5 hours). We are full of emotions right now - excited, nervous, overwhelmed, giddy. It still feels unreal to me, and I know that it is early and there is yet a long road ahead, so please do continue to journey with us and pray.

Best Zoo Ever

We first visited the Chiang Mai Night Safari on its opening weekend in 2006. Since then everyone we are here we go and it keeps getting better and better. And now there is an amazing outside and inside play areas for kids. And a digital zoo! Look it up online because my pictures are not great. But we had a blast. We went with a bunch of friends (with lots of kids). We plan on going back for a family date before we leave, caed requested to spend more time looking at the iguanas.

In other news we still have a few more days to wait until blood test for this FET. Trying to stay busy. Counseling has been really very good, maybe another post about that later.

Ps I think that Singapore is still a better zoo by far, not sure why I put 'ever' in the title of this post.

Batman Valentine

For valentines day we bought this costume for Caed. I also have a Spiderman one I got at a garage sale here in Thailand for $2! We found these in the market for $10. I think we may need to go back and buy Superman too.

This made my day ;)

Funnix

A few friends of mine have highly recommended a teach your child to read program called funnix. Same friend just posted a link to the page where until feb 16th you can download the whole program free as part of their yearly promotion. I plan on starting with Caed when we get back to China. So if anyone is interested here is the link.

http://store.funnix.com/home/fnx/
_form_main.html

Thankful for my Makeup Bag

Today I woke up sad, because in all honesty I don't see this last little embie will make it. But I opened up my makeup bag and found it full of spiders, lizards, frogs and bugs - because I have a little boy who thought that my makeup bag would make a perfect home for them, and I am thankful for that boy. I wish that I could hold onto those little feelings of thankfulness, because right now they seem so fleeting. I will be overwhelmed with thankfulness one moment and then just overcome with grief, worry, anger and fear of the future in the very next moment.

But right now I am thankful for a makeup bag full of bugs.

Ficklebits the Pigeon

Not everyone has the pure pleasure of homeschooling a different character everyday, but I do :) Yesterday and today I have had a little pigeon with a very high voice (and sometimes a naughty attitude and potty mouth) named Ficklebits come to school instead of Caedmon. I believe he got his name from something Backyardigans related. He is very good at tracing, telling stories, making videos and finding jewels. We have made him some special clothes like this magazine hat and jewel bracelet. He only turns back into Caedmon if he gets hurt, then he tells out, "I'm not Ficklebits right now I'm Caedmon!" (because only Caedmon is allowed to touch the blank you see - blankie). Now if only Ficklebits could stop saying pee, poop and stinky all day long...

Today is a New Day

After all the dust settles and the sun goes down and rises again I realize it is a new day, God's mercies are new every morning. I am thankful for friends comments and out pouring of love. And for your grace, because it true, out of anger or desperation I say or feel a lot of things I don't truly believe in my heart. I woke up to a very creative little boy wanting to play Backyardigans with me (he likes to be Uniqua, I am Pablo and Sean always Austin) asking to go on an adventure to esplore the jungle. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, I am choosing thankfulness. And I don't doubt at all that the prayers of many are having an effect. The transfer today was postponed until 12:00, that's 9:00pm in California. Thank you again for standing by me when I am feeling so weak, and when my faith falters, and when stepping forward is just painful. Thank you.

Only One

We got a call today that only one embryo made it. I am not sure if I'm madder or sadder. I feel like God is playing some sort of cruel joke on us, still making us go through this FET even though it in all likely hood won't work. So now instead of grieving them both at the same time I grieve this one more life lost (and I am aware that not all believe that each of these embryos is a life lost- but to me it feels like we lost our tenth child today). I am so mad at God, can't even express it in words. I am having the hardest time trusting that this is part of a good plan.

Back in Thailand Again

So we are back in a very warm happy place once again, oh Thailand how e love you! This is my first post from the iPad (yeah for not having to use a VPN here!!!) but I can't seem to figure out how to write under each picture, I'll work on it though.

Mostly just want to let you all know that while we are here we will be transferring the last two embryos we have (that is if they make it through thawing and are growing). I have lots of emotions right now, overwhelming confusing emotions. In all honesty I am not hopeful. I feel like I just need to get this done so we can move on with our lives without this huge weight weighing me down. I wish I had hope, but medically speaking it doesn't look good. Thought I know that God is the creator of life, and don't doubt he could make these babies grow, I unfortunately feel {and here I get real honest} that he doesn't want to bless us in this way. I am also doing counseling while we are here, can you tell I am in desperate need of some help?! They will unfreeze the embryos tomorrow and let us know if they're growing, then the transfer will be Saturday, Friday evening 5:00pm for all you in CA.

In the mean time Sean is in meetings and Caed is in heaven since there are 7 other little boys staying here. We all do school in the mornings, see below pics I brought a little book I made for C with us - more on that later. And there is hose fun, feeding birds, eating Thai food and all of that. I think he is most enjoying getting to wear 'short sleeve pants' as he called his shorts the first time he put them on!