This is the update from the past two days. We have moved into a hotel where we don't have internet, so that is why this post is late (and there will be no email returns etc until for a week or so). Warning the first part of this will sound awfully complainy.
We got a call Friday night that only 5 of the eggs fertilized and turned into embryos. I was pretty discouraged by the low number. I thought for sure there would be more, as fertilization rates are usually higher. The next day when we went in for the embryo transfer we were told that that there were actually only 4. The doctor came and talked with me and she was also really confused why the fertilization rate was so low this time, after having 10 mature eggs. Of course we can't dwell on this and need to just move on and trust that numbers and rates don't matter. But it was a hard blow. Now one of the nice things about doing this all in Thailand in the past was that I never had to run into other people doing IVF as well and talk about how their cycles were going etc. But of all days and of all people [you'll see why] there happened to be another Thai lady going in for her embryo transfer the same time as me, and she spoke wonderful English.
And if I didn't already feel bad enough coming in and knowing about our low numbers she continued to make me feel worse and worse. Now in her defense she was trying to be helpful and sweet, but it all just came out way wrong. This was her 3rd cycle, she had got pregnant on the last one and miscarried. I really hope for her that it does work this time. She said that she also had 10 eggs and all of them fertilized and made t to blast stage (5 day transfer) - which is GOOD! She also said that she wanted to transfer 5 today! Which is a lot :) She said i should for sure transfer all 4 of ours (even though we had decided to do 2 and freeze two). She wondered why we were doing a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer. She offered to write down all the supplements she has been taking so that I can take them 'next time' - when this doesn't work for us. Boo. She told me about how she is 35 now and her and her boyfriend who is not Thai, would keep trying until she is 45. But how she only wanted to be pregnant one time (preferably with triplets, but quintuplets would be okay with her, she just read a news story of another Thai woman having quints and they were all healthy - seriously her words). If she got pregnant one time she would be happy with that (thanks for making me feel even worse, like I am not happy about our son that we already have!). I also asked her if they planned on getting married, and she said that she needed to see how he treated her after they had kids, and if he still loved her enough, and if he treated the kids well then maybe they would talk about it. She said, "I have heard that men don't treat you as good after kids are born so he will need to pass that test." I wonder how he would feel to hear those conditions and how he will be tested. Yikes. Okay so all this before we go in. She leaves to go in before me.
My doctor comes in to see me a few minutes later and I burst into tears, and she hugs me and holds me really sweetly (which must be hard because I would never characterize her as an overly 'compassionate' person). I talk with her about how many to transfer and we decide 2 is good they are both best quality and 12 and 9 cells. I go in for the transfer and everything happens smoothly (though I am wishing so bad that Sean could have been there for ANY part of this whole thing). So then I am wheeled to the recovery room where that other woman is as well, and so begins a LONG hour wait until I can leave. She was of course there the whole time since she said two hours would be better for her. She showed me all the pictures of all 5 embryos she had implanted, and told me her doctor didn't want to do that because he thought all 5 have a really good chance of implanting. She couldn't believe I only chose to do 2. I kept telling her, "Well we have a son and this is how he was conceived and when we did it back then we only did 2 embryos and they were only 2 days 'old'". I told her that I believe that God gives life, that he creates and if he wants those lives to live they will no matter what. But my, 'it worked before, so why can't it work again' mentality was being very rocked by this woman. We had quite the long conversation ranging from adoption (and according to her why Asians don't adopt) to religion, to how best to eat, to her boyfriend and parents and siblings. In my mind I was trying to be full of grace, knowing that this woman desperately wanted a child, and that she saw me who is younger and has already been blessed with a child by this process. Maybe it was making her feel better to 'put me down', like it was her turn in a way and that I had already had my turn. I don't know, needless to say when my hour was up I was knocking on the wall asking the nurse to come let me out. I wished her luck (twins is what I told her I hope for her) and got out of there.
I had a very humorous drive back to the hotel in a taxi with an OLD driver who thought I spoke Thai. He had this mini alter on his dashboard with all sorts of food (meat chucks, fruit, rice, mangostean) and liquid in little bottle lids being offered. He KEPT trying to get me to eat these waffles he had in a bag, seriously I cannot adequately explain the funniness of the whole ride. Then got back to the hotel where Caed was sleeping and Sean was reading, and hugged my husband and shed a few tears and showed him pictures of his bubble babies. And then put on 'Just for Laughs" and laughed with Sean for the next hour. There was this skit where they put these fake bugs on peoples coats as they walked by then these pest exterminating people came up to them and sprayed them, I am smiling just thinking about it!
Anyway all this to say the day would have been a lot better in my opinion had that woman not been there. But the truth is I trust that no matter what she said I am here lying next to me son, who is a miracle, who was conceived under the same circumstances, who is amazing and funny, and adorable. And one day (almost 4 years ago) he too was one of two little embie bubbles that was placed in me. I looked at those pictures 4 years ago and hoped and prayed that they would grow and develop and implant, and he did :) So while I am still disappointed by the outward appearance of how everything 'went' but I have hope. I keep reciting God's promises over and over in my head. I know that no matter what happens he loves us, he died for us, he has it all under his control, he knows what is best for us, he wants to bless us, he will get us through anything and everything, he will not let us go through something that we can not handle, and we can do all things (and get through all things) through him who gives us strength!
I am not sure how much access to internet we will have for the next few days. So today in Sunday, we leave for BeiJing on Thursday, America on Friday. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement!
* While I was writing this Caed told me, "You know mommy rocket ships have all of these things, fire, astronauts, clapper catchers to help them go potty and to pick their poop up and pee up, a plunger, tunnel." end thought. I asked him if they have anything else and he said, "I'm done talking about that"
* He also just received some discipline from his dad and seriously just told Sean the following, "let's think of another kind of discipline for next time, like maybe you can throw me in jail"
