Turning 30 and How I Feel

I have so much on my mind lately. And have been having such a hard time lately thinking of how to put it all down in blog form. 

Let's start by saying the past few months have been difficult. I think since that March 4th came and went [the day our baby would have been due] it has been an emotionally hard time for me. I feel guilty first off, wondering why when we have been so blessed with Caed - and got pregnant on our first attempt at IVF - have I have been having such a hard time. I know so many people out there waiting and hoping for their first miracle. I think a big part of that was because everything happened so fast for us back then (we were diagnoses, moved forward, got pregnant) that maybe I never really had an opportunity to really grieve over the situation. I am not sure. 

We listened to a sermon last Sunday (the name of the guy is escaping me - maybe Vasser>). It is a series we have been doing on the Lord's Prayer. I have been out for most of them (watching Caed), but last Sunday I got to listen. And there were some amazing things I felt were perfect for me. He was talking about how God is generous with us. He reminded us that sometimes our perceived need is not our biggest need, and that sometimes our biggest need may be to have that perceived need go unmet so that God can meet a deeper need we may not have been thinking or may not have been valuing. And like he said, I feel like God is teaching me to be content in non-ideal circumstances {p.s. this is not just all about not getting pregnant!}. He said, "God wants to bring you into an experience of Jesus that is so satisfying that you are not dependent on ideal circumstances for your life and your joy. God says I can only teach you that in a time of lack. I am going to teach you that you can have your joy sustained in all things because of Christ who gives you strength." I like to think that all the heartache, all the sad times, arguing, emotional turmoil has a BIGGER purpose in my life. I need to believe that. I don't really see it right now (though Sean keeps reminding me that you rarely 'see' it while in the middle of it). 

In about a month we head to Thailand again for an annual meeting. I am not looking forward to it. At this same meeting last year we did our FET. I felt like everyone there knew what we were going through and was praying so hard for us. And now here we are a year later. I know it will be hard to see all the babies that were born this past year, especially the ones that were born around when we would have been due. And I know it will be hard to see many of our friends who are expecting babies later this year. So if you read this and you are a praying kind of friend please pray for me! I need God to work miracles in my own heart. 

There is actually a very good chance that we will be trying again to get pregnant in June. Though I think that we will not make it as public as we did either of the last two times. It is just painful in a way for everyone to know. Can't really explain it. I am sure I will write maybe some dates on the blog when it gets closer, and for sure the results of it all. But if you want to know the more intimate details of it please email or FB me and I will put you on an up-date mail list. Or you can also leave a comment with your email and I won't publish it. 

And lastly I turned 30 on April 27th. It was bittersweet. It is the first birthday that I have ever felt old, and kind of dreaded coming. I am no longer in my 20's. Sad. But I love this quote a friend wrote me, "20's are fun, 30's are great but wait until your 40's, they are even better!" So I am going to go with that :) 

But I must say my friends both here and at home my boys treated me great! As you will see in the following pictures. Not pictured is the amazing package I got from my girl friends at home. In it there were tons of goodies, and new makeup!!! And a beautiful necklace that I had been wanting for years [I'll get a picture of it on here soon].

I have much to be thankful for!

Flowers and mini cakes and a card from my boys.

A friend watched Caed so we could go on a date to the city. 

We ate at this yummy Chinese BBQ [don't get the idea that this is anything like american BBQ] place and had Dairy Queen after, which is a huge treat!

A few days later my neighbor had us over to celebrate and she made amazing food on her grill. I can't even describe it, you would drool!

Then to top it all off this last Saturday a good friend here hosted a womans brunch in honor of my 30th. It was so so so good. All the woman brought a verse of encouragement and read them to me which was really special. There was lots of yummy food, including this honey strawberry cake!