A Dreaded Day

Today is a hard day. It is the day that our babies would have been due had we not lost them last summer. A day that I have dreaded for the last nine months. A day that makes me want to curl up in a ball and lay in the bottom of my closet and cry the day away. 

I think this whole last month has been hard for a number of reasons. My hope is that after today I can just move on. We will see. 

Since we have been so busy this last month (with having a local family living with us) I have had little time during the day to think about the lives that we lost last year. But then night comes and as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, these lives are pretty much all I think about. There is this song by Downhere the first line is, 

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
CHORUS:
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory 


And I pray that over and over. That God would give me faith to trust him and understand that he has a reason for all this. But let me be honest - I just don't see it right now. I have no idea the 'whys' behind all that has happened this last year. I feel very forsaken and forgotten (hard to explain here but these feelings don't come only from our infertility). I keep trying to speak truth back into my life (Never will I leave you never will I forsake you ----- and ------ Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord) - but it is hard. I don't want to be the 'example'. I don't want to have the story that encourages other people going through similar things right now. I don't want any of this. I keep thinking of the verses in 1 Peter 1:6-7, and wondering if my faith will ever be genuine enough...


In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.


Sean is still out of town until tomorrow. I wish he was here but I also tend to feel guilty for crying in front of him too much. He has been great, but come on a crying wife gets old. So this week while he has been gone I have been working on getting all my tears out. 


I am so ready to move on. To feel joy and hope. Hard part is we still have no idea what the future will bring for our family. Even if we were to try again I feel terrified that we still won't get pregnant. As of right now the fear definitely outweighs the hope of another child. 


*And I also do feel guilt for complaining or having such a hard time with this because we have a little miracle already. And I know so many out there are wishing and hoping for that. 


So I will press on. And mourn the lives that we could have met today had God willed it. I will play with my son (he has been bugging me to play battle the whole time I have been writing this). I will kiss him and love him and hug him way more than he wants. And he will continue to bring me his big night night (blankie) to make me feel happy :) And I'll pray (like Jim from The Office :) - "Lord beer me strength!"