Avoidance

Wow it has been almost two months since we found out that we were not pregnant yet again. And it still feels like it was yesterday to me. 

I have avoided writing about this for so long for multiple reasons (busy summer in the States, lots of travel etc). But really the truth is it is nice to seem all 'put together' in some part of your life and a Blog is a great place to do this right? I can write whatever I want all about my creative, fun, interesting life, and really just no one needs to know all of what is really going on. But the truth is I am still just falling apart over this infertility stuff. 

My heart is breaking. Breaking. Every day. Non-stop. 

I can't seem to get past this loss at all. I feel a real loss of faith in the Lord (which is a hard thing to admit). I  realize logically that God not 'blessing' us with something doesn't at all in anyway mean he doesn't love us, but it sure feels like that. I tell myself logical Truth about God everyday, really try to surround myself with it, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel abandoned, and unloved, and sad. I hate that I am having such a 'pity party' about all of this - which just adds to the already ever present guilt I feel. 

Life doesn't stop either, just keeps coming full force. With new changes in work, and schooling and all sorts of things (exciting things too, more to come on all that later). And people are having babies left and right, being all cute and pregnant or announcing pregnancies. Man this is hard. Why I am I so very weak? Why am I having such a hard time being THANKFUL with all that I have been given (which is a lot I know)? Why does it seem that after all these years of "your will be done Lord" and "blessed be your name in joy and suffering" do I feel like those things are extremely hard for me to say or sing or think right now? 

I have read other people write about infertility (or trials in general) that they wouldn't trade what they went through for anything; that it has made them stronger, wiser, compassionate, deepened relationships etc. And I know that Biblically this is true, there is a purpose to pain and suffering. Trials have a purpose according to God's word. But if you asked me right now if I would 'trade in' my infertility I don't think I would blink before you heard a big loud YES. I hope this won't alway be the case. And I will go out on a limb here and trust in faith that I won't feel this way for the rest of my life. But right now it hurts.

I have no idea what the future holds for our family. I don't know why Caed being an only child is such a hard pill for me to swallow right now. But it is looking like that will be our lot.

To complicate it all further today (September 8th) is the day that our baby/babies would have been due. The ones we lost at new years. I avoided today like crazy, yet knew it was slowly creeping up on us for the last 9 months. Last night I even stayed up until 2am finishing a book {The Help} because I thought, "Maybe if I get tired enough I will just fall right asleep and forget that it is now 'that day'". Nope. Not only did I cry at the book ending, but then that just seemed to push me even more into a deep sadness and crying fit that lasted early on into the morning. Then we awoke to a 6 am skype call - really guys we are 15 HOURS ahead of you!!!! Excuse my impatience it is the 5th time this week someone from the states has accidentally called us while we have been sleeping.

So here I am. It is 3:30 pm. We finally were able to go into town and stock up on some things today. I just spent the last hour cutting up a 3.5 kilo block of mozzarella and hand shredding it. I have a 5 kilo block of cheddar waiting to be done next. But all I want to be doing is siting in the hospital looking down at a new baby's face. Not shredding up stupid cheese.